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Thursday, January 7th, 2010
chu_totoro
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5:06p
New Year's Eve, PART 3
SO I wanted to make this a photo post but I CAN'T FIND MY CAMERA CORD so so much for that.
Instead, you can have the two weeks I've had since I got back, random summary style. (Note: there may be a bit of skipping around because everything has sort of blended together in my head.)
This is a very late continuation of a New Year's Eve post detailing Life in Japan and Life After Japan. For part 1, CLICK HERE.
( two weeks cut, pasted, and strung together )
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(2 comments | comment on this)
xx_rapunzel_xx
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12:08a
Still academically challenged
Called AU twice this week - no response, so I e-mailed them. Hopefully I'll hear from them some time tomorrow...
Had to send another 2 transcripts to SBU - another official transcript to the two-year nursing program because the other one I sent does not have my Drug & Alcohol grade on it. The other transcript will go to the one-year program, although I already know I'm not getting in because I didn't format the recommendation letters correctly. *sigh*
Now I gotta call MC. Like AU, I filled out a transfer application last year, and although I got accepted, I declined it to finish up my last year at the Hof. I know they still have my old application. The thing is, though, I'm not sure if they'll let me apply to their "Generic Nursing Program" again, as they call it, (that's what I was applying to last year) because by May of this year I'll have a Psych degree and, if I end up with a 3.3+ cumulative GPA, be eligible for the Dual Degree Program for Second Degree Nurses. (Right now it's 3.18. Can I get it up to 3.3 at the end of next semester? It seems impossible.) I'm not sure if I can apply to both at the same time, and I don't even know how I can obtain an application. (ETA: I can apply online.) Also, I have NO idea when it's even due! I hope I'm not late...
This is scary, confusing stuff.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Ke$ha. I like SOME of her music, but not her image, really.
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(comment on this) Monday, January 4th, 2010
xx_rapunzel_xx
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11:04p
Really, 2010?
Now to share some news on academic-related stress:
- I finally checked online to see if everything for my SB application went through - apparently not! My official transcript was only sent today, according to Hofstra, so they're not going to get it until probably Friday or next Monday. What sucks is that I might have to send out another one with my grade in Drugs and Alcohol on it, because the one Hof sent out doesn't have it =/
- Guess what? My third recommendation wasn't received either! I'm very shocked, since I consider this woman reliable and someone who would never let me down. I left a frantic message just now, but I will call in the morning to see if she sent it out. I have to call SB again to make sure that yes, they WILL accept these two documents beyond January 5th.
The first problem may be my fault, the second one is not, and I'll be VERY disappointed if these ruin my chances for getting into SBU.
- I received a C in Genetics. This is not "new" news, but now I either have to call AU or find my old stuff downstairs and see what they accept and couldn't care less about in the sciences, because officially I now have two grades in the sciences that are below a C+, which would disqualify me from THEIR nursing program. I can't help feeling like I'm so totally screwed.
- I also have to figure out Molloy's requirements, because right now I have a 3.18 cumulative GPA, and they want a 3.3 ...
Yeah, I feel like I'm screwed for nursing school in the fall and I don't know what to do at this point.
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(comment on this) Saturday, January 2nd, 2010
(7 comments | comment on this) Friday, January 1st, 2010
chu_totoro
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10:11p
happy new year
And so the first day of the new decade unveils itself with quarreling in the kitchen, a lone cup of coffee on a Starbucks card that does not work outside of Japan, and one fluffy white bullet going berserk on dead dead dead yellow grass spanning space enough to build a small town in the middle of Tokyo.
( warning: chinese ensues )
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(3 comments | comment on this)
xx_rapunzel_xx
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10:29p
update.
Happy New Year.
I'm still in a terrible mood over my aunt (I read way too much stuff online; I don't know what/who to believe.) She made a call to her vascular (knee/leg) doctor who she will see Monday. I also FINALLY got her to call her diabetic doctor, who is actually the father of a girl I went to elementary/middle/high school with. We were brief friends in elementary school, but I'm not sure what happened after that. She asked him about 1) what "slowly climbing kidney damage" meant exactly (does she have damage yet? yes or no?) 2) if the damage is acute or chronic and 3) about the anti-inflammatory pills she takes for her leg (I looked it up - apparently on more than one website they say it causes further kidney damage, so right now she's stopping those).
I read something wierd on the internet from this one website - it wasn't clear, but it said even with treatment that patients with this certain kind of kidney damage/failure: diabetic nephropathy, will only live 2-5 years after being diagnosed, which freaked me out and had me crying hysterically again, which caused me to have almost no sleep, become nauseus, experience anxiety and have chest pains. I even felt dizzy falling down the stairs. My aunt and dad heard me crying so they ran upstairs to see what's wrong. Again, my aunt told me to stop crying because if she sees me crying and experiencing rather unhealthy symptoms, she becomes upset and feels like she wants to give up on life altogether. So, when we went out together, I was basically doing my best to keep myself from crying in front of her. I walked so slowly and talked very softly. I was rarely able to smile. Finally, when she left me in the car to go inside the Indian restaurant to pick up food, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I had to call my grandma and tell her that I'm still feeling scared and sad. I know only ONE website said she wouldn't live very long (as opposed to a lot of websites that said she'd live a good long time on dialysis or a transplant), but it has still filled me with dread - dread that will not subside unless the doctor calls her back on Monday to tell her not to get upset. There has been no diagnosis yet. But, I don't know what he's going to say and who knows if he's even going to call back Monday...
This has affected me to the point where I can't eat around her, can't BE around her. I can't stay around her feeling that her days are numbered. Every time I see her, I can't be happy. Do you know that I even engaged in looking up websites on grieving and stories about people losing their mothers and what they've gone through? In the end it hasn't made me feel better at all, which is why I question myself for doing such stupid things.
I desperately hope that the doctor will tell her that this is not so and can put her on medication or whatever that will prolong her life expectancy way beyond five years. (I just looked up another website - you can stay on dialysis for 25 years!) I hope she does consider eventual dialysis and transplant, although transplants might be harder to come by for her (she is turning 59 in August, this may or may not affect her chances because she is older).
Please, oh please, I don't know if I have to pray more or wish on a star... all I want is for my aunt to be okay. I'm worrying about the other members of my family too... why do I have to be in this situation???
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(comment on this) Thursday, December 31st, 2009
(4 comments | comment on this)
(3 comments | comment on this)
xx_rapunzel_xx
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1:40a
Oh man...
Talking to a high school friend of mine - one of the two or three I have left, really. I may be going to someone's New Year's Eve party with all these kids from high school and/or Binghamton. Part of me wants to go because I hated being alone the last two years for New Year's, but part of me feels guilty for leaving my family to go to a party where the majority of people are going to be drunk (most everyone will be 21 or pre-gamed), especially since what's been happening with my aunt lately. My grandma, too. Call it ominous, call it karma, whatever... I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Superstition, that's what it is! If I go, maybe it'll somehow bring good luck to my family because maybe I'll end up enjoying myself and just by going it'll break the monotony of having crappy years! If I don't go, there's that feeling of "this might just be the last New Year's Eve I'll ever spend with all four immediate members of my family because something bad is definitely going to happen to at least one of us health-wise because my dad's side lost three people and now God wants to even things out on my mom's side which includes my grandma, my aunt, and their cousins."
You know that Myer-Briggs Personality Test or whatever the heck it's called? I'm an INFJ. This is part of the description for an INFJ: "They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions."
This is true. This is completely true. I hate having this near constant feeling of dread and I hate when I'm proven right about how I feel. Next year, I would LOVE to be proven wrong about a lot of things I have negative feelings about.
-- Just talked to Spencer again. If I can get a ride, I'll consider going after all. I mean, everyone will still be up basically - and someone has to drive me home! Maybe I won't be right there at 12am per se, but you bet I'll be the one making the call home at that time. I plan to stay there probably only till 1 am - and I rather arrive later than earlier because if there are people there I don't like, I don't want to spend 5 hours with them. 9pm might be a good time to arrive.
At this time tomorrow night/morning, I want to be home and snuggling with my family. I want to have faith and confidence that all of us will make it through this year safe and sound and all the goals we want to accomplish for the good of this family (and for the world!) will be accomplished. The point is to stay positive.
I hope I get up super early tomorrow (today?) because I'd like to make a list of what I'd like to accomplish next year. It won't be posted here though.
On that note, this may very well be the last entry for 2009. It's been... fun, kids.
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(comment on this) Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
xx_rapunzel_xx
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3:52a
i should be writing this somewhere more private...
to continue my last entry... still stressed out about my aunt. if the doctor truly believes that the damage isn't serious enough to warrent an immediate appointment to discuss treatment, then fine, i trust him. it's going to be a long vacation, though. ugh. i hate playing the waiting game, especially when you don't know if the outcome is going to be favorable.
i know she needs me to be strong because she admitted she's weak herself... it's just hard to mask how crappy you're feeling sometimes. feelings are hard to deal with in the morning and at night.
i love her. i don't want to lose her. she's not only my aunt, she's my mother. she's my best friend. she's my protector. yeah, we fight and argue, but i know that she always wants the very best for me. she makes me feel safe. it's one of the many, many things i'm going to miss about her one day. i fear that i'm not going to find someone who's going to love me as much as she does... it can be crippling.
sigh.
the best thing i can do is not think about all this, and keep going. staying positive and optimistic is the best thing i can do, because i can't live my life in constant fear of the future. i hate crying and feeling hopeless. i have to believe that things will get better.
i just need the doctor's blessing that what she has isn't life threatening at the moment. i hope my aunt will cooperate in doing whatever is necessary for her to get better - even if that means dialysis or getting a transplant. i have to convince her to not give up when things get tough.
i should take my own advice...
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(2 comments | comment on this) Sunday, December 27th, 2009
xx_rapunzel_xx
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9:00p
Are you there, God?
My aunt got some blood tests back and on the report it said she's suffering from "slowly climbing diabetic kidney damage." I don't know how bad it really is, but I've been hysterical nearly all day. She wants me to stop and be strong because my crying is only making her more frightened. I don't know how to be strong. I just desperately want her to go back to the doctor even though she just saw him over a week ago and wants to see her in 5-6 weeks. She just went on insulin to keep her glucose levels low, but I also want to see if she can get some preventitive-type medicine for her kidneys so maybe she can feel better. This is why I need to know how severe the damage is.
She also needs to see the doctor about her knees/legs because she has severe arthritis in both, not to mention something called spinal stenosis. She's been getting injections in her knee and has been taking pain meds, but on Christmas Eve she took a fall on a patch of ice on the sidewalk and screwed her bad knee up again. She's supposed to call the doctor tomorrow, but I don't know when she'll get to see him.
I don't want her to die so soon. She doesn't want to die. We both love each other. We both need each other. We both can't stand to live without each other. I really hope she listens to me and makes the appointments that she needs to. From there on out, I need somethin' like God's support to guide me through this. Hopefully, He'll get her as healthy as she can be and make her stick around for a long, long time to come. She wants to see me graduate nursing school, get a job, attend my wedding and take care of my kids. I need her around for that. I can't imagine living a happy life without her or any of my family members. Trust me when I am telling you I cannot go on without her. This family cannot go on without her. If she dies, my grandma will die shortly after because she relies on her too much for support. I will be without one or two of the most important people in the world. I don't know what will become of my parents and myself, but I will not be happy. That's all I want from this world: to be happy.
I guess this is the time I have to find this inner strength I supposedly have to keep it together and get my aunt through this, but I know I can't go this alone. I desperately need the reassurance of these two doctors, mainly her main one, that she will be okay and will have a long, good quality life. I hope I find this out soon enough... I've been an absolute wreck and I don't know how much more bad news I can take right now.
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